AYN Productions - Arborgast History News Release
The tale of ol' Arbogast B. A. Zombie is a strange one, even by zombie standards. Its’ all true, mind you, but it is indeed an anomaly.
Now to start off, you need to know that pre-zombification, ol' Arbogast was just plain ol' Arbogast Puddletunk, a tater farmer from Sullivan, Illinois. To say he was a simple man was an understatement; ol' Arbogast was dumb as an inebriated badger. But he knew taters, and to that end he was mildly successful.
The year of his turning was 1883, and ol' Arbogast was only the seventh zombie officially on record in Moultrie County, though various unsubstantiated reports do point to additional activity in and around the area.
It was the dead of night, and ol’ Arbogast was busy tending to some late blooming taters when he heard a strange a’grumblin'. At first he thought it was a pig sprung from his pen, but ol’ Arbogast didn’t have no pigs, so he reasoned it must be something else.
He followed that a’grumblin’ and found something a might bit peculiar: a hand sticking out of the ground. And it was moving, too. To which ol’ Arbogast thought, “If that there hand is a’moving, then whatever that there hand is attached to must have some life still in it.”
So ol’ Arbogast did what he figured anybody else woulda done... He called it a night and went to bed.
Which was his undoing.
See, back then, if you came upon a hand sticking out of the ground, it generally meant one of two things; either someone had been a’dying, or someone had been a’cheating. Either way, you stayed out of the way.
But this hand was attached to a zombie, and that zombie dug itself out of the ground where ol’ Arbogast left it, and that zombie found it’s way to ol’ Arbogast’s house, and that zombie tore it’s way right through ol’ Arbogast’s door, and that zombie found it’s way to ol’ Arbogast’s bed, and that zombie done bit ol’ Arbogast right on the arm. And that woke ol’ Arbogast right up.
Now ol’ Arbogast wasn’t used to being woke up in the middle of the night being bit on the arm by a zombie, and as such he wasn’t quite prepared for it. So it took him a minute or two to figure out what was going on. During that minute or two he wrestled around with that zombie; even managed to tear off a finger in the fracas. At the end of that minute or two he had found his way to his shotgun and blown that zombie’s head clean off.
And that was the end of it. Except it wasn’t. Cuz ol’ Arbogast was tired, even after a zombie attack adrenaline rush.
Seems when he laid back down with his shotgun by his side – in case there were any more of them zombies lurking about – his tired trigger finger done gone through the motion, and ol’ Arbogast shot himself dead in the head.
But see, that there zombie bite meant that ol’ Arbogast was due to rise again, which he did late that next night.
Now as I said before, ol’ Arbogast was a simple man, which gave him an immediate advantage over most zombies. See, most zombies started out as thinking men and women, so when their brains shut down from being dead and all, then got rebooted from the zombification, they had a hard time adjusting.
But ol’ Arbogast didn’t start out a thinking man, and as such he started his un-life as a zombie a step ahead of all the rest.
And that’s where things got peculiar. See, most zombies want to munch on brains because it’s all they can think about. Their brains aren’t working the way they used to, so the zombies are focused on that, and figure eating them brains is the quickest way to digest all that knowledge they crave.
But ol’ Arbogast’s brain worked just fine as a zombie, so when he went after brains it was for a much different reason. See, ol’ Arbogast didn’t want to eat brains.
He wanted to build himself a better one.
His first victim was the county judge, which netted him his official zombie status on record. After that there was a lawyer from Springfield and a lawman from Buckhorn. And then ol’ Arbogast seemed to disappear from the area.
It was 1989 when ol’ Arbogast resurfaced in these parts. It was infrequent at best; he popped up first in Litchfield, then in 1996 he turned up in Assumption. It was 2001 when he was finally spotted back in Sullivan, and dang if he wasn’t one of the most intelligent zombies you ever run into. You could have a right nice conversation with ol’ Arbogast prior to him gnawing on your leg.
He was calling himself Arbogast B. A. Zombie now, and he had sewn himself up a real nice brain. And he was using it, too. Seems ol’ Arbogast was trying to rally up all the zombies in a given area to form a zombie union of sorts. Get organized, if you will.
Problem was, most townfolk saw it as nothing more than a zombie invasion, and as such reacted in a mighty hostile way whenever ol’ Arbogast brought a group of zombies together.
But it seems ol’ Arbogast has a better handle on things now, having sewn a bit o’ brain on from a marketing rep.
Now he’s going after the media to educate folks on zombies. He’s doing “press.” He’s talking to people about a “Zombies March” on October 24th, 2009, and he’s hoping the good people of Sullivan will leave their pitchforks and torches at home when the zombies gather on the square.
Yep. It seems ol’ Arbogast may finally gain some zombie respect for him and his zombie kin.
And if he doesn’t? Well...
I know I always think better after a good meal.